My First Week Back at Work

Abbie looks a little wide-eyed in this picture! It was taken on Tuesday, just before my first day back at work. We were heading out the door to go to "Aunt Christy's" house - she's the child care provider. Despite my fears, Abbie did great, of course. She slept, ate, played, and seemed to survive the other kids. I, on the other hand.....

.....ugh.

I'm not sure exactly how to feel about all of this. I'm torn, as I suspected I would be. I believe it is important that I continue my career but I also just want to be home with her.

Last night I sobbed as I held Abbie close to me before she went back to sleep. I hated the fact that she fell asleep an hour after I got home from work and continued to sleep the whole evening. I didn't get a chance to really see her at all.

My biggest question of the week has been: "Why bother trying for 5 years to have a baby when once I have one, I give her to someone else to raise?!" In my head, I know the answer. I know that I can serve as a role model for my daughter. I can also help pay our mortgage! But in my heart, I am aching. I know that raising your children is the most important job there is and I really want to be there to raise her all the time.

I know, I know....I can still raise a child while working. Millions of us do it! But I still hate the idea.

Its funny, because while at work, I'm actually not having too difficult of a time. My colleagues have been generous enough to keep me swamped and overwhelmed all day, every day. Clients need me to answer questions. Web sites need adjusting. Appointments need scheduling. It isn't until I get home that things really start to upset me.

I'm worrying a little about next week. Matthew will be at a conference Monday through Friday in Colorado and I have a really busy week at work. I will be home most of Monday and all of Friday, so at least I only have to juggle doing this alone for 3 work mornings and evenings. But still, I'm a little panicked.

The good thing is that Abbie sleeps in her crib at night like a champ! I think we did a good job of transitioning her in there and I try very hard to keep to a regular routine. I also put her in bed awake but drowsy and she basically just puts herself to sleep. So at least I don't have to worry about her sleeping. I'll just have to try very hard not to be tempted to bring her into bed with me while Matthew is away....she's just so precious and I miss watching her sleep!